


Of Curls & Curves

by Mother_North



Series: Heartache [4]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Coping, Dom/sub Undertones, Flashbacks, M/M, Manipulative Relationship, Mild Smut, POV Alternating, Pining, Pining Nathan, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 05:30:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15454371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mother_North/pseuds/Mother_North
Summary: Nathan stares into the glassy surface of the ice, eyes unblinking. Somehow, it seems more alive than he is feeling himself at the moment. He is gaining speed, air whistling in his ears, its invisible fingers playing with his dark curls.The ice is unrelenting just like you are. I used to treasure the feeling of your tapered fingers, no matter how fleeting it would have been —running through dark strands of my curly hair, digging into the skin of my shoulder blades, wordlessly begging for more. Yet, it was never enough…





	Of Curls & Curves

**Author's Note:**

> A piece of ChenYu for your consumption. Angst & heartbreak, along with some pining, included. The author hasn’t written anything involving these two for a long time until spiraling into a fit of untimely nostalgia, all of a sudden.  
> P.S. Sorry, if it turned out a bit nasty. Though, there is a glimpse of light at the end.  
> Usual RPF disclaimer applies to this work of total fiction in full and it is not meant to offend anyone. It is just a product of author’s imagination and it certainly does not reflect truth in any way.

_It’s all I wanted_  
It’s all I could see  
You can watch me bleed…  
Daylight comes and washes over me…

_—_ _The Smashing Pumpkins, “Bleed”_

_**_

Nathan stares into the glassy surface of the ice, eyes unblinking. Somehow, it seems more alive than he is feeling himself at the moment. He is gaining speed, air whistling in his ears, its invisible fingers playing with his dark curls.

_The ice is unrelenting just like you are. I used to treasure the feeling of your tapered fingers, no matter how fleeting it would have been —_ _running through dark strands of my curly hair, digging into the skin of my shoulder blades, wordlessly begging for more. Yet, it was never enough._

Nathan knows the jump is doomed, the moment he senses that the axis is way off, the force of gravity making his body crash into the lifeless surface of the ice hard. He is seeing tiny white dots beneath his closed eyelids, shooting pain in his hip supplanting the surrounding reality. He wills his body to get up after several long minutes, sweaty long sleeve tee clinging to his back. He doesn’t need to see Rafael’s face to know that he is shaking his head right now —all fatherly concern and an ounce of disapproval. It is not his fault that the quad lutz is stubbornly refusing to cooperate. Perhaps, his coach thinks that it is precisely his student’s own head that seems to be the root of today failed training session. Nathan is dragging his leaden limbs to the boards, heaving and tired, the prime objective of numbing all of his senses through extreme exhaustion and physical pain successfully achieved.

Rafael sighs, ever knowing and understanding.

“Clear your head, boy. You need to sort everything out before it becomes too late…”

_It is too late. The thing is that it was already too late the moment I let you clasp my heart into the tiny palm of your hand and squeeze it until there is no more blood left in my vessels; a walking corpse, disintegrating from the absence of life, a mute testimony of a now decaying love._

Nathan summons all of his willpower to plaster a reassuring smile on his face, long eyelashes shielding the anguish, hiding it at the bottom of his downcast eyes.

“Listen, I think you’d better take a pause for a couple of days… I don’t know…Maybe drive somewhere… A change of scenery, you know.”

Rafael’s heavy Russian accent is strangely calming and Nathan finds himself nodding in agreement. As he takes off his training gear and steps into a shower cabin, his thoughts seem to swarm lazily without a certain point. Hot torrent is flogging his shoulders and back, at once scorching and analgesically retributive. He lowers his head, standing still, arms by his sides. He is drained, hollowness singing inside.

_You used to fill each moment of my existence with yourself in the most impudent of ways: a cocky smile twisting your perfect lips as your fingers were unzipping the fly of my jeans impatiently. You were so greedy, always needing more —_ _be it everyone’s adoration, a much coveted another golden medal or a pathetic plea torn out of my very core, as you were kneeling in front of me only to remind me how unfathomably superior you really were, while reducing me into a mewling mess with the help of your hands and mouth._

Nathan’s eyes fly open to dispel the poisonous vision and he is clenching his fists, blunt nails against the soft skin of his palms. He is getting dressed in a rush, steamy air stuffing his lungs, making it hard to breathe. He wants to leave as fast as he can, an inexplicable urge to run is hard to overbear, all of a sudden. It is totally irrational, yet it is crawling under his skin, each cell pulsing with a need to get away _—_ to get away from himself, in the first place.

Nathan is taking a bus ride to his place, forehead pressed against the cool surface of the window. He is watching nightfall mingling itself with the blurred city lights: red and violet and bluish hues staining the dark canvas, as the darkness is swallowing the streets up. His eyes catch a small band of street musicians, not a sound reaching him, as they disappear from his sight, the bus turning the corner. It reminds him of his guitar waiting for him at the bedside, music being his solace, a vital outlet for bubbling emotions; be it frustration or yearning, which was killing him in small amounts, day after day.

_You were lying on the crumpled bed sheets, hair disheveled and cheeks kissed by the tenderest of pink. It was hard to look away and I never would if only you hadn’t asked to play you something —_ _anything, for that matter. I grabbed my guitar, fingers trembling slightly and a bit disobeying still. I plucked the strings experimentally, a quiet melody blending with the rhythm of our breathing. I swear I thought our chests were rising in unison, an invisible bond in between never seeming more tangible to me. I felt your shining eyes on me all of the time, piercing and intent. The toe of your foot was sliding over my shin idly, thighs open wide, you being shamelessly on display. It provided enough of a distraction and a loud, obviously false, note made you smirk._

_“So lame.”_

_Your verdict didn’t come off as a surprise but it stung, nevertheless. My eyes sparkled darkly and I knew you were satisfied that I had taken the bait. I practically slammed you into the mattress, our naked bodies flush against each other as your grin grew wider. I caught your frail wrists above the head, drowning in the scent of your heated skin —_ _putridly sweet, its creamy smoothness beneath my tongue making me shiver. The taste to die for and I actually did die, every single time —_ _buried in your slick tightness._

Nathan gets off the bus, legs taking him to a small 24/7 unpretentious café, not far from his apartment. The atmosphere inside is inviting and it envelops him in warmth and unostentatious chatter of its scattered visitors. He takes _their_ table in the corner, cursing himself for his stupid sentimentality. The waitress is beaming at him like a good old friend would and he orders some green _matcha._ To tell the truth _,_ he hates matcha, its taste tart and foreign, his palate protesting as he takes the first gulp.

_It is your favourite tea and it evokes memories, which are better to be ridden of: languid mornings spent together, sunshine filtering through the windows to flood the room in light, miniscule particles of dust hanging in the air. You looked otherworldly, basked in its rays, skin glowing and countenance uncharacteristically soft. It was a time of gentle touches and low whispers, shared in between sloppy kisses, our tongues exploring sluggishly. It was easy to dissolve that way, forgetting everything except for your flavor, except for your barely audible sighs and the way your body would invariably shudder whenever I licked a tiny mole beneath your ear. I confessed that it drove me insane and you laughed heartily, intoxicating me with your undiluted joviality. It’s hard to believe but you could be humane too, all of the inner defenses being down, letting me get to you —_ _so unguarded and open._

_You were sitting on a kitchen table, legs dangling in the air, as I turned around to handle you a cup of hot matcha tea; the movement too abrupt, making the hot liquid spill and scorch my skin. You laughed, something undeniably cruel lurking in your obsidian eyes for a fleeting instant. You ran a fingertip over the swiftly forming blister and I flinched. Your lips were sweet, with a lingering matcha aftertaste, as you were kissing me demandingly; later, I took you right on the shaky kitchen table, its legs scratching against the tiled floor and your moans echoing in my ears, as I kept on thrusting deeper with each forceful stroke of my strained hips._

Nathan leaves generous tips, smiling at the waitress absentmindedly, thinking that he should have better ordered some coffee instead. Fresh night air embraces him, as he goes outside, unruly dark curls stirring under the gust of playful wind. He is walking to his lonely apartment as slow as possible, lost in thought. He is thinking of undertaking a little trip to the mountains: just him, his guitar and a backpack. Maybe, he would take his husky dog, currently staying at his parents’ home, as his loyal travelling companion. The idea fills him with a barely there anticipation and he can feel his heartbeat quicken at the prospect; he needs starry sky above and ever-green pines around, a solid rocky road beneath his feet and an introspective feel of tranquility only wilderness can provide him with. He sees confluence with nature as a kind of a remedy, as something simple, yet powerful, at the same time — a mean to stitch the wounds, to heal the patches torn, to stop the bleeding of his broken heart. It seems right and true to his own essence, for he doesn’t have a privilege to pine forever, new competing season starting in just several months. The thought of facing _him_ again is twisting his insides into a painful knot but he is fully aware of the inevitability and the need to prepare as best as he can.

Having taken off a pair of sneakers, he lunges himself into the bed, not even bothering with getting undressed.

_You would never let me to, fussing over the possible dirtiness, voice acquiring undertones of a capricious child, stern and reprimanding._

_“To the bathroom first...You are filthy.”_

_“Take your hands off me, now….”_

_“You smell…”_

_You were spoiled. I was too, albeit, by my own corrupted and unquenchable thirst for you. You played me like a fiddle and you knew how to do it well —_ _cracking of a whip alternating with your biting kisses on my skin and beyond, always testing my limits to the fullest. You were different and ever changing: daring —_ _eyes burning defiantly; timid —_ _the quiver of your bottom lip and a teardrop at the pointy end of your eyelash signifying your temporary capitulation (I often got caught foolishly); taking —_ _the pinch of your sadistic fingers, the painful scratch of a nail over a sensitive bud of a nipple, the greedy sucking of your mouth on my clavicle to mark perpetually; giving —_ _all you had and more, writhing and burning down to ashes, making me regret that I couldn’t be inside of you eternally, moving in and in and in…_

_Only in, never out._

_They say when one gaze_ _s long_ _enough into_ _the abyss, the abyss gazes_ _back, doesn’t it..?_

_I did stare for a long time and each time it stared back at me my heart swelled._

Nathan buried his face into a pillow, the rustling of the bed covers strangely loud in the eerie stillness of the room. He thought of holding his breath — inhaling and then simply lying there, unmoving and unfeeling, till his lungs would collapse, head swimming from oxygen deprivation.

_Spineless. Feeble. Dependent._

_You despised all of those characteristics, yet you liked watching me crawl to you on my hands and knees. I looked into your black eyes submissively, coiling inwardly from their sheer intensity, wanting to please and indulge simultaneously. It was always the same with you: a well-known pattern to follow, a set of rules to play by._

_But sometimes I rebelled, a wounded pride of mine in a desperate need of retaliation; it excited you all the more —_ _the challenge, the defiance, the heady loss of control. I would take the reins then, making you keen helplessly as my hand would meet the tender flesh of your backside over and over again, your muffled cries resonating within me, evoking something I never knew existed, in the first place. I’d lick the saltiness off your flushed cheeks, a glimpse of you so caught up in the throes of carnality sending a shiver up my spine._

_“Don’t stop…I need more…Give me more.”_

_Filthy encouragements to trade my soul for._

_I could never make you say “please”, though._

_Your alluring body responding to my every touch —_ _supple curves and dewy smoothness of unblemished skin trembling under my fingertips._

_I could say “please” for the both of us countlessly and I did just that._

Nathan inhaled, finally, salvatory air rushing into his lungs. He told himself that the night would pass and the daybreak would chase away the shadows (or _the shadow_ , to be exact) he was spending his solitary nights with — a sliver of hope to cling at.

Nathan turned to lie on his back, waiting for the first ray to peek into his curtainless window.

_**_

_Sweat was stinging my eyes; dark, moist curls tickling the back of my neck and hiking boots making my legs feel impossibly heavy, as I was climbing the slope, each of my steps determined and measured. My husky was at my side, its red tongue hanging out, its noisy huffing oddly comforting._

_I looked down from the head of a mountain, vastness expanding below as far as eyes can see. The view took my breath away. I imagined you standing near but only for a splitting second._

_I was practically sensing my life force restoring itself, the whole world beckoning me with its colours once again, as a sudden cry found its way out of my heaving chest, tearing out of it with primal savagery and scraping my tense vocal chords._

_I didn’t think of the possibility of losing my voice, on the contrary —_ _it felt as if I had found it anew._

_“Goodbye, Yuzuru!”_

_Of course, you wouldn’t hear but it didn’t seem to matter that much anymore._

**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, your feedback is appreciated.


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